How I Reinvented Myself

My name is Ass Elixir, and I’ve found the source of bliss
For those who come together in the phallorectal kiss—
I don’t believe in Burma they’ve got anything like this!

One always needs a lubricant, an oil, or a jelly.
Otherwise one’s partner might scream out in pain, and—well, he
Might have great discomfort in his viscera and belly.

And if that happens, in a flash he could turn on you quick
And scream “That’s not your member, but a broken wooden stick!”
You’d lose your sugar daddy ’cause you didn’t grease your dick.

But I’ve invented something and I’ve named it after me—
I call it Ass Elixir and you can’t believe the glee
My friend and I enjoy when on a sodomitic spree.

I’ve made the stuff from honey that is thinned with kerosene,
Along with melted butter and denatured gasoline.
It puts to shame your KY or your jar of Vaseline.

I keep this Ass Elixir on the shelf beside our bed,
And when we’re in the mood for sex I grab the jar and spread
The stuff on all the proper parts and apertures. Instead

Of pain and such annoyances, the sex is super-duper:
I slip just like a clyster in my sugar daddy’s pooper,
And after that we sink into a post-coital stupor.

I’ve patented my Ass Elixir here in Eastern Europe,
And next week I am booked to make an advertising tour up
All the little by-ways where the stuff is bound to sell—
I won’t just be a perfect fit, but filthy rich as well.

Ass Elixir, also known as S. Sel-yksir, is a Bob Dylan and Mike Burch scholar who illegally entered France as a faux-refugee, having sailed from Burma in a tramp freighter, stowed away amid a shipment of micro-penis condoms. He now lives in Chisinau, Moldova, with his boyfriend Salomon Morel. Ass enjoys sphinctering gerbils and buggery.